The Note

Tired, feeling dirty and exhausted after returning from a three days trip finally was letting me know that it’s a good time to go to sleep and forget about everything that just happened. I had no more powers in me to move my arms or legs. My thoughts were too tired to even create any thoughts or memories from the past.

Pulling out my keys, I decide to check for mail in my mailbox. Pulling out pretty big stack of letters, I quickly browsed through them, when my eyes got caught on the big, fat envelope. There was a letter addressed to me.  I know this handwriting, it’s reminded me of someone, but the address was unfamiliar.  As I opened the envelope, I pulled out the pictures from the past summer. Me, my brother and my sister with my dad and his family and my school’s mate friend came to visit me as well. What is this? Who is it from? 

When my eyes started to follow the words on the paper, I stopped in shock. It’s like a joke the life is playing with me! How is it possible? Who could play such a horrible joke on me? And then I realized I have not been home in three days; the mail must have been here for couple days already. He must have written this letter just before we got to him. My eyes filled up with tears trying to recover the whole trip with all the consequences that happened.  

Five days earlier happened to be my birthday. While celebrating with a good circle of my friends, I was looking like a superstar. I was getting buzzed from drinking and dancing! My boyfriend was next to me, and I couldn’t be happier.

Suddenly, I received a phone call from my dad and in the best mood ever I answered it right away. 

“I want to wish you a happy birthday and always enjoy this day as much as you can! I love you very much, but I really don’t know if I will ever see you again!”

“What you mean dad?” – I responded as happy as I could, while my “heart just dropped all the way down, on the floor”.

I will see you very soon”, – I replied. “You will come to see me on the holidays, right?”

“I am afraid that I will not live till the holidays, I am in the hospital now, and I don’t want to die without seeing you!”

“What? Why hospital? What happened?” – I yelled loud, but all I heard was the busy signals. The phone call was dropped and my hands were shaking. 

My party was over! I packed my clothes into backpack, called the
bus station to find out times for next bus schedule departure to New York City.  All my thoughts were about making it on time! I had no clue why he was in the hospital, but his words were serious. I knew that something is terribly wrong. He was never a drama man and he never complains about being sick or hurt. His sense of humor was above any problems he ever had, as we were growing up, not once I saw him either sad or mad!

When bus pulled up in Manhattan Union Station, I saw my brother waiving me! I jumped in his car, and he started driving, fast and dangerous throughout huge traffic and small streets, using any short cuts possible. I was afraid to ask. At that moment I really saw big trouble, I was feeling that we are not making it!

My heart pounded so loud, when I walked in his room. The hospital was overfilled with people and relatives. All those doctors were running across hallways, some visitors were praying, some were crying. His room had 6 more patients with all kind of problems.  At first, I didn’t recognize him. I never saw him looking so white and so sick. When I came closer to his bed, I was told that his is in coma for 2 days now. The monitors were showing his heart beat, trying to hold on to his heart for a little longer. 

I took his hand in mine and slowly started talking to him. I wanted him to hear me, to talk to me back! I wanted him to laugh and open his eyes. 

“I am here, dad! I told you we will see each other soon! I am here next to you! Everything will be fine! I love you very much and I need you now like never! I got a boyfriend, dad! I am in love! I am adult now, dad! Do you hear me? Wake up, dad!!!”

The expression on his face started to change! I was sure that he is ready to wake up, when I heard the beep from the heart machine and it slowly started to beep in one long sound! My ears stopped hearing anything around.

I got thrown away by the doctors, who started to massage his heart very abrasive:” One, two, tree, buzz; again, one, two, three, buzz; again, one, two, three, buzzzz”….. And everything stopped. Quiet two seconds lasted the century…

”He is gone!”- the doctor replied,” – we did everything possible, sorry for your lost; you can pick up your body anytime tomorrow!”

I remember myself sitting in the hallway on the floor of the hospital, when some lady doctor came to me and ask if I need anything, when my words came out: ”I need my dad back, can you do it?!”

All those memories came back, when I was reading that letter from my dad. He came back from coma first time, when he asked for a pen and paper. The words were very uneven, traveling on the paper all across different lines, but I could still clearly read and understand what he had to say to me!  

He died in front of my eyes. He waited for me to come, so he can die freely and three days later he asked me for my forgiveness!

It’s not only changed my life, it’s changed my future! The letter he addressed to me, written prior him passing away, and receiving it right after me losing him, made me believe in God stronger than ever. I will always have an angel watching out for me, helping me and protecting me. I always feel him behind my back, the only disadvantage that we can’t talk, touch or see each other.


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